What is a wake? How to Prepare, What to Expect, and How It Differs from a Funeral

When a loved one passes away, the days that follow are often filled with decisions, emotions, and traditions. Among these is an end-of-life ceremony that many have heard of, but not everyone fully understands: the wake.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about wakes, including how they differ from funerals and memorial services, what to expect, how to prepare, and the proper etiquette to follow. Whether you’re planning one or attending one, understanding a wake can help you navigate this important part of saying goodbye.

What is a wake?

A wake is a gathering held to honor and remember someone who has died, typically taking place before the funeral. Historically rooted in Irish and Catholic traditions, wakes were once informal, all-night vigils where family and friends would watch over the deceased's body. Today, wakes are more modernized but still serve the essential function of bringing people together to grieve, support one another, and share memories.

Where the Name Comes From

The term "wake" comes from the Old English word "wacu," which means "watch" or "vigil." In the modern world, you may hear of a wake and think immediately of "waking up," but the end-of-life tradition of holding a wake more directly comes from the practice of mourners keeping watch over the deceased from the time of death until burial. 

The tradition comes from Celtic cultures, and was especially popular in Ireland. Humans have been holding wakes for their loved ones for a very long time, and they continue to be an important part of the grieving process. 

The Purpose of a Wake

As with any celebration of life, the purposes of a wake can vary depending on the attendees and the culture of the deceased and the loved ones left behind. In general, a wake aims to:

• Provide space for mourning and emotional expression
• Allow family and friends to gather and support each other
• Honor the life and legacy of the deceased
• Create a more personal, intimate setting than a formal funeral service

Some wakes are viewings, where the body is present in an open casket. Others may include a closed casket or may instead opt for photographs, videos, and memorabilia.

Wake vs Funeral: What’s the difference?

One of the most commonly searched phrases around this end-of-life ceremony is "wake vs funeral" and it’s a good one, because these two events often overlap but serve different purposes. If you're fortunate enough to not have attended many wakes or funerals, then they may seem to serve the same purpose.

In a nutshell, here are the differences between the two:

Key Takeaway: Think of the wake as the personal gathering and the funeral as the ceremonial event. If you're planning a funeral, check out our complete funeral guide, along with a downloadable checklist.

What happens at a wake?

The events and tone of a wake can vary widely depending on religious beliefs, cultural background, and family preferences, but here are some common elements.

Arrival and Greeting

Guests arrive at the wake, typically at a funeral home, private residence, or community hall. You may be greeted by close family members or a guest book where you can leave a message.

Viewing the Deceased

If the casket is open, guests may take a moment for a final goodbye. Some say a silent prayer or place a token (like a flower or rosary) with the deceased.

Sharing Memories

People often mingle, tell stories, and share fond memories. This is a central part of the wake, and it helps to humanize grief and reminds everyone of the person’s impact. Many people grieve through telling stories, and a wake is the perfect opportunity for loved ones to reminisce about their time spent with the departed.

Light Refreshments

While not always present, many wakes include coffee, pastries, or finger foods. In some cultures, this is a full meal. 

Prayers or Spiritual Reflections

Depending on beliefs, a priest, minister, or spiritual leader may lead a short prayer or recite readings.

How long after death is the wake?

The specific timing of a wake depends on logistics, religion, and local customs, but it’s generally held within 2 to 4 days after death.

Common Timeframes

• Catholic tradition: Within 1–3 days of death
• Jewish tradition: Preferably before burial, which happens quickly
• Secular families: Often more flexible, depending on schedules and travel required of attendees

Factors That Influence Timing

• Legal or autopsy delays
• Family travel needs
• Funeral home availability

Pro Tip: If you're coordinating a wake, it's helpful to schedule it when out-of-town guests can arrive and before the funeral ceremony takes place.

What to Wear to a Wake

As with any mourning service, the goal at a wake is to show respect to the deceased as well as their loved ones. You should avoid flashy, overly casual, or brightly colored outfits. If you're unsure about the dress code, you could always ask another attendee, or the organizer, what they intend to wear and base your attire on their response.

General Guidelines

• Men: Slacks, collared shirt, optional blazer
• Women: Modest dress, blouse with slacks or skirt
• Children: Neutral, tidy clothing

Be sure to avoid:

• Graphic tees
• Shorts
• Bright, neon colors (unless culturally appropriate)

In some cultures or modern celebrations of life, families may request guests wear the deceased’s favorite color or even more casual clothing. Always check if dress code information is provided in the obituary or invitation.

Wake Etiquette: How to Be Respectful

Whether it’s your first time attending a wake or your 10th, it’s natural to wonder about etiquette. Here’s a quick guide to help you navigate it respectfully.

1. Arrive on Time (or Within Reason)

Wakes are often open-house style for several hours, allowing guests to drop in at any time. Aim to stay for 20–45 minutes, depending on the crowd and your connection to the deceased and the other attendees.

2. Offer Condolences

As with any celebration of life, it can be hard to know what to say. A simple, sincere "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "They will be missed" goes a long way.

3. Be Mindful of Conversations

It’s okay to share stories, but avoid dominating the conversation or bringing up controversial topics. The wake is not the place to share stories that may offend, and it's a good idea to match the tone of the other attendees.

4. Sign the Guest Book

This helps the family remember who came to support them.

5. Bring a Sympathy Card or Gift (Optional)

A sympathy card, flowers, or a small donation to the deceased’s favorite charity are thoughtful gestures that would be appreciated by their loved ones.

Memorial Service vs Wake: Are they the same?

No. A memorial service is not the same as a wake, though they’re both focused on remembrance. Here are some key differences:

A funeral wake (sometimes used interchangeably) is another term that may confuse people. It typically means a wake held immediately before a funeral, blending the two traditions.

How to Prepare for a Wake

If you're planning or attending a wake, a little preparation can ease the emotional and logistical burden.

If You're Hosting:

• Coordinate with a funeral home or venue
• Decide if the body will be present
• Prepare seating, refreshments, and mementos
• Notify guests and post details in the obituary
• Have tissues, guest books, and signs available

If You're Attending:

• Check the time and location
• Dress appropriately
• Consider bringing a card or donation
• Be emotionally ready; these gatherings can stir up unexpected feelings in yourself and others

Plan for the Future With Caily

A natural reaction to attending a mourning service for a loved one is to think of how you'd like to be remembered. While we all hope we have many good years ahead of us, it's always a good idea to plan for the future and make your last wishes known before that fateful day arrives. 

Having everything documented, from power of attorney to your will and funeral preferences, can make things much easier for your loved ones should anything happen to you. We built Caily as the all-in-one caregiving app that helps everyone in a care circle stay connected, from family and friends to neighbors and professional caregivers. 

One of our core features is the Caily Vault, which securely stores important documents and can help you plan for the future with guided prompts and tools for simple collaboration. Sign up for Caily and see how Caily Vault can provide peace of mind now and in the future!

Honoring Life, Together

A wake is more than just a pre-funeral formality—it’s a meaningful moment to gather, grieve, and begin healing. By understanding what to expect, respecting etiquette, and participating with empathy, you’re helping honor a life lived and offering comfort to those left behind.

Whether you’re attending a wake or organizing one, remember: there is no "right" way to grieve. What matters is being present, for yourself and for others.

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FAQs About Wakes

How long does a wake last?

Typically 2–4 hours, but it can range from a short one hour-long drop-in to an all-day event. The event organizer should be able to give you a better idea of how long to plan for.

Do you have to stay the whole time?

Of course not! Staying for 30 minutes to an hour is appropriate unless you're close family. While you're there, you'll want to talk with those most closely connected to the deceased, and to offer condolences.

Is a wake always religious?

Not necessarily. While many incorporate prayers or blessings, secular wakes focus on storytelling, music, or other personal elements.

Can children attend a wake?

Yes, but you should consider their maturity and comfort level. It can be a good opportunity to introduce them to grief in a supportive setting, though it also may invite a lot of difficult questions about mortality and end of life. Before bringing a child to a wake, you should be prepared for how you want to address complicated questions.

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